Pro Ana

I sit on my laptop night after night and look at pro ana blogs, photos and videos. They Motivate me. I want to be like them, to have so much self control over my eating, beyond the physical level. If I actually admitted to anyone I knew that I WANT to be anorexic, they would tell me how stupid and crazy I sound. I know Its a disease, but so is depression, which is what I suffer from because of the way I look. Id rather be thin and happy. Its what I want more than anything in the world. I want people to look at me and think how thin I look, not how fat I look.

My boyfriend would never understand, neither would my parents. I love my boyfriend more than anything, and he says he loves me for who I am... but I can guarantee he'd much rather if I was thinner. I currently weigh 10 kilos more than my boyfriend, who is also 10cms taller than me. I hardly ever let him touch my stomach... im too self concious. he hardly ever sees me naked, because once again im too scared. I want SO MUCH to be confident in my own skin... to show it off in beautiful clothes instead of hiding it all away.

In 6 weeks I am going on vacation... my goal is to lose atleast 10 kilos in this time. I need to be atleast a litle more confident or it will ruin my whole trip. once again, wish me luck.

Hate

There is so much I hate about my weight. I hate having photos taken of me, because I hate to see myself looking so fat. I hate buying clothes, especially anything that shows my arms, or stomach, the two areas I hate the most. I hate going to work and being the fattest girl there, working in store promoting healthy food and drink. I am constantly trying to compare myself to other people to make myself feel better. I look down at myself, right now and I think to myself, 'this is not the body I should be in'. I want to be confident. I want to look like everyone else, including my size 6 best friend. she can wear anything and feel and look good. I hate myself for who I am, and nothing, except weight loss is going to change my opinions.

this is going to happen. I know its going to be hard, but I think I can do it. I just need to be strong. I need help from other people. people who understand. nobody close to me does. that is why im blogging. please help me.

step one

I want to be thin. I want to be a thinspiration to other girls. I want to fit in, to look thin, to see my hips, collarbones and ribs. Im 20 years old and have never felt confident in my own body. I have always wanted to be thinner. Im never satisfied. I have no self control, and low self esteem.

currently 165cms tall and weighing 78kgs, I hope to blog my way to a thinner, happier me. I need to commit to this and this blog is my outlet. I can do this. I know I can. Its something i have wanted for so long and now is the time for me to reach out towards my goal and achieve it. wish me luck... I will need it.