I sit on my laptop night after night and look at pro ana blogs, photos and videos. They Motivate me. I want to be like them, to have so much self control over my eating, beyond the physical level. If I actually admitted to anyone I knew that I WANT to be anorexic, they would tell me how stupid and crazy I sound. I know Its a disease, but so is depression, which is what I suffer from because of the way I look. Id rather be thin and happy. Its what I want more than anything in the world. I want people to look at me and think how thin I look, not how fat I look.
My boyfriend would never understand, neither would my parents. I love my boyfriend more than anything, and he says he loves me for who I am... but I can guarantee he'd much rather if I was thinner. I currently weigh 10 kilos more than my boyfriend, who is also 10cms taller than me. I hardly ever let him touch my stomach... im too self concious. he hardly ever sees me naked, because once again im too scared. I want SO MUCH to be confident in my own skin... to show it off in beautiful clothes instead of hiding it all away.
In 6 weeks I am going on vacation... my goal is to lose atleast 10 kilos in this time. I need to be atleast a litle more confident or it will ruin my whole trip. once again, wish me luck.
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